Finishing things that matter to us is often easier said than done! As a creative, there are times when you find yourself feeling challenged to stay engaged with your projects and to persevere without giving up.
Most
often, in order to complete our creative projects, we need to practice
the power of perseverance and ‘hang tough’ until the end. Yes, because
this is a mindset
issue, then ultimately the solution is actually under our control.
What, then, is the thinking needed to develop perseverance when our
negative mindset leads to unfinished creations?
It
is probable that your lack of perseverance is connected to negative
self-talk that causes doubt in what you are creating or desiring to
complete.
Maybe
you’re not persistent because you are afraid of what others might
think. Other times, things are simply difficult and it becomes hard to
keep moving forward through the challenge.
In
fact, the more you actually go for your goals as a creative, the
greater the struggle with being persistent in your journey towards
completion. This is because a lack of persistence is most often
fear-based, and to keep pushing ourselves forward can lead to anxiety
and stress.
Today I would like to share some great news with you.
You are guilty.
(Not quite what you were expecting to hear, was it?)
Yes, believe it or not, accepting that we are guilty is powerful and can be the beginning of growth and change.
Determining if we are truly guilty of something can be the initial
step towards resolving our offense and moving forward. Whether we have
hurt someone we love, procrastinated working on our next important
project or made excuses to ourselves about what we are capable of, we
are guilty.
But … being guilty of something does not mean that we need to feel
shame. Whereas guilt says that I have broken a law, or have done
something that hurts either myself or another, shame goes deeper – much,
much deeper.
In fact, the difference can be summed up in the following:
Guilt says, “I made a mistake.”
Shame says, “I AM a mistake.”
Wow, the implications between “I made” and “I am” are HUGE!
Destructive feelings of shame focus on past failures, feelings of wrongdoing, deserving punishment or that I am no good.
Constructive guilt focuses on the person I have hurt, the mistake I have made and the possibility of FUTURE CHANGE.
Yes, shame holds us hostage to a focus on the past, on ME instead of
the future and what I can do differently next time. It keeps us from
learning when we mess up or from being a part of healing an injured
relationship.
“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~ C.G. Jung
Shame focuses on how bad I am while true constructive guilt focuses on the other person and what next step I must take.
In a strange way, shame is actually selfish. It’s about me and rarely
leads to any meaningful change. It is kind of like confessing a sin,
feeling better afterwards and then continuing to repeat the behavior.
Shame does not lead to change, only a beating up of one’s self.
Only a true acknowledgment of guilt leads to the possibility of becoming a new person.
So, the question becomes what do I do to keep from beating myself up with shame when I blow it?
Here are 3 things needed to identify and overcome destructive feelings of shame:
1) Determine If You Are Wrong
This sounds so basic, yet it is so easy to assume that we did something wrong. If we have low self esteem,
we might assume that if a relationship is going poorly, then it must be
my fault. Or, if I fail to follow through on a project I am working on,
then it must mean that I am lazy – I am “guilty” of being a failure.
Ask yourself, am I really wrong. Did I
actually blow it or am I assigning all the blame to myself when there
might be many other variables involved in things not going well. It’s
possible that the guilt that you feel is based on numerous ‘shoulds’ that you grew up with.
“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.” ~ Woody Allen
Maybe you’re not a lazy person, but rather afraid of rejection if you
complete your project and put it out for the world to see. There is
absolutely NO room here to feel shameful. Ironically, feelings of shame
will lead to a greater possibility of not finishing … leading to more
shameful feelings until you give up completely.
2) Discover Where You Are Wrong
Yes, there are times that we blow it (for myself, there are many
times!). The key principle is that once we become aware that we are
actually guilty, then we can use this awareness to discover exactly
where we went wrong.
For example, maybe you were hurt by something said to you, leading to
defensiveness and then saying something hurtful back. Take time to
discover your part, knowing this kind of honesty can set you free to
change.
3) Decide What You Need to DO About It
In the example above, you might feel a ‘right’ to be defensive, yet
need to take responsibility that you hurt the other person and apologize
to them. You are guilty and can help repair the injury by taking
action. Again, there is no room for shame, but rather to take charge and
do something about it.
Maybe you are feeling terrible about yourself for putting off
something you made a commitment to finish. Acknowledge you have blown it
and then decide to take charge and get back on track without any
further negative self-talk.
Make a commitmenttoday to acknowledge
when you are guilty, take steps to learn and heal and stop shaming
yourself when you blow it. And remember that you are never, ever a mistake!
