It has been said that dependency obliterates individual identity, i.e., the more dependent you are on what others think of you, the less of an individual identity you will have. The more you fear being rejected, the less creative and successful you will be in your business, in any performance situation, as a creative and in life in general.

Yet, to truly feel confident and to experience less anxiety in any area of your life, steps must be taken to move beyond emotional dependence and towards what I call emotional independence.

Let’s take a look at 5 steps to grow towards healthy emotional independence.

♦ Accept your Uniqueness

Do not be afraid to be different! I suspect that you are often afraid to stand out from others. It feels so much safer to just ‘blend in’ and to not take the risks that are necessary to move forward in life. “What if no one likes my new art piece? What if my performance as a musician is not received well? What if my friends reject me if I have different opinions or beliefs?” This fear-based self-talk can go on and on until there is no unique YOU left! Yet, to live a life of happiness and to be successful in any endeavor you approach, It is crucial to discover and celebrate how unique you are.

Do not be afraid to be different – accept your uniqueness.

♦ Lose Your Fear of Perfect People

If you find a perfect person, please take a photo and send it to me, I would love to meet them! Perfect people Do… Not… Exist. What exists are false fronts, people who look perfect, who look like they’ve got it all together. They might be really eloquent when they talk or are so at ease at a party. At church they appear so spiritual and seem to really be self-confident. Oh, you wish you could be like that. Look at how creative they are compared to you. You tell yourself that you are so far below them and that you will never be as good at this or that. This message that you give yourself gets very, very discouraging.

Part of the journey in becoming emotionally independent is working on changing this false belief that it is possible to be perfect or to be like someone else. The fact is, you do not want to be like someone else. You do not want to lose yourself to something, or someone, that you feel you should become.

It is time to stop comparing and to lose your fear of perfect people.

♦ Aim for Spontaneity in Your Life

Try to be more spontaneous. Risk being yourself. Begin to come out from behind your mask. Masks are basically what we put on in the morning, when we go to work or to church or depending on what group or social activity we are going to be in. We all have different masks. You are not alone in wearing them.

Everyone has a mask that they put on. For example, if someone you do not know asks how you are doing, you do not generally respond with “Boy, did I have a crappy day! Let me tell you all about it….” The person really just wants you to say, “I’m fine, thank you,” and walk on. He wants you to have that mask on. It is actually a good mask to have at times because if you stopped to deeply answer every time someone asked you ‘How are you doing?’ you would never get anywhere!

Masks are not, in and of themselves, bad. The problem is that you might have a whole stack of masks and never take them off, continually putting them on depending on where you go or who you are going to see. It can get SO tiring to always be on guard while wondering who you should be at that particular time and what mask you should wear.

Begin to take some risks, to become more spontaneous and authentic with others, especially with those who matter most to you.

♦ Take Responsibility for Yourself

Take responsibility for what is under your control – stop relying on others or what they think. Most people take responsibility for the things that are out of their control, instead of just saying, “I’m going to be responsible for those things I have power over, that I can control.”

Most of the things that you are afraid of have actually never happened, yet you worry so much just in case they do. Instead of working on the things you do have control over, it is so easy to spend time and energy on things that are not under your control, things you cannot do anything about.

If you try to control everything around you and in your life, you will burn out and be vulnerable to anxiety and endless fears. Instead, begin to take responsibility for yourself.

♦ Stop Your Self-Critical Thinking

Finally, begin to quiet your inner, critical thoughts, those negative messages that you have been hearing over and over since you were little. Do you hear those old negative and scary messages from your childhood, replaying over and over in your mind? Sometimes these messages are loud and scary, but usually they are very quiet and under the surface, creating self-doubt and a safe way of living.

Do you allow these old messages to take control? Do they keep you from making good choices for yourself and remind you that you are not good enough?Make a commitment to begin shutting up your critical, inner voice.

Overcoming unhealthy emotional dependence begins with asking yourself, “Who is in charge of my life?”

Are you in charge, are you in control internally and emotionally, or are you letting things like old hurtful words control you as an adult? Are you acting or are you reacting? Do you have internal or external control?

Ask yourself every day, in as many situations as you can, “Am I in charge here?” and then seek out your uniqueness, go for more spontaneity and quiet your inner critic.

To be authentically independent is to find yourself and live your unique life journey.