Today I would like to share some great news with you.

You are guilty.

(Not quite what you were expecting to hear, was it?)

Yes, believe it or not, accepting that we are guilty is powerful and can be the beginning of growth and change.

Determining if we are truly guilty of something can be the initial step towards resolving our offense and moving forward. Whether we have hurt someone we love, procrastinated working on our next important project or made excuses to ourselves about what we are capable of, we are guilty.

But … being guilty of something does not mean that we need to feel shame. Whereas guilt says that I have broken a law, or have done something that hurts either myself or another, shame goes deeper – much, much deeper.

In fact, the difference can be summed up in the following:

Guilt says, “I made a mistake.”
Shame says, “I AM a mistake.”

Wow, the implications between “I made” and “I am” are HUGE!

Destructive feelings of shame focus on past failures, feelings of wrongdoing, deserving punishment or that I am no good.

Constructive guilt focuses on the person I have hurt, the mistake I have made and the possibility of FUTURE CHANGE.

Yes, shame holds us hostage to a focus on the past, on ME instead of the future and what I can do differently next time. It keeps us from learning when we mess up or from being a part of healing an injured relationship.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~ C.G. Jung

Shame focuses on how bad I am while true constructive guilt focuses on the other person and what next step I must take.

In a strange way, shame is actually selfish. It’s about me and rarely leads to any meaningful change. It is kind of like confessing a sin, feeling better afterwards and then continuing to repeat the behavior.

Shame does not lead to change, only a beating up of one’s self.

Only a true acknowledgment of guilt leads to the possibility of becoming a new person.
So, the question becomes what do I do to keep from beating myself up with shame when I blow it?

Here are 3 things needed to identify and overcome destructive feelings of shame:

1) Determine If You Are Wrong

This sounds so basic, yet it is so easy to assume that we did something wrong. If we have low self esteem, we might assume that if a relationship is going poorly, then it must be my fault. Or, if I fail to follow through on a project I am working on, then it must mean that I am lazy – I am “guilty” of being a failure.

Ask yourself, am I really wrong. Did I actually blow it or am I assigning all the blame to myself when there might be many other variables involved in things not going well. It’s possible that the guilt that you feel is based on numerous ‘shoulds’ that you grew up with.

“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”  ~ Woody Allen

Maybe you’re not a lazy person, but rather afraid of rejection if you complete your project and put it out for the world to see. There is absolutely NO room here to feel shameful. Ironically, feelings of shame will lead to a greater possibility of not finishing … leading to more shameful feelings until you give up completely.

2) Discover Where You Are Wrong

Yes, there are times that we blow it (for myself, there are many times!). The key principle is that once we become aware that we are actually guilty, then we can use this awareness to discover exactly where we went wrong.

For example, maybe you were hurt by something said to you, leading to defensiveness and then saying something hurtful back. Take time to discover your part, knowing this kind of honesty can set you free to change.

3) Decide What You Need to DO About It

In the example above, you might feel a ‘right’ to be defensive, yet need to take responsibility that you hurt the other person and apologize to them. You are guilty and can help repair the injury by taking action. Again, there is no room for shame, but rather to take charge and do something about it.

Maybe you are feeling terrible about yourself for putting off something you made a commitment to finish. Acknowledge you have blown it and then decide to take charge and get back on track without any further negative self-talk.

 Make a commitment today to acknowledge when you are guilty, take steps to learn and heal and stop shaming yourself when you blow it. And remember that you are never, ever a mistake!

Most of us carry pictures of those who matter to us in our wallet, purse or on our cellphone. I carry pictures of my wife and kids on my phone and iPad to look at and remind myself of how important they are to me.

As meaningful as these pictures are to us, we all carry another picture, one far more powerful than those in our wallet, etc. It is the mental picture that we carry that represents the opinion that we have of our self.

This picture is our self-image, a perception that has, from early on in life, influenced us in terms of our self-confidence, and in what we accomplish in our life, relationships and business.

Author Josh McDowell once said,

Your self-image is like a set of lenses through which you see reality. The healthier your self image, the more accurately your lenses let you see reality, and the more appropriate then is your behavior in response to that.”

If, for example, you picture yourself as a failure, then you will find some way to fail in your art, business and life, no matter how much you want to succeed. By looking through a lens of self-deficiency, you will act accordingly.

Dr. Joyce Brothers says,

You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself.”

What, then, is the picture of yourself that you carry with you all day?

I would go so far as to say that all of our behavior is guided by the picture that we have of ourself. Self-confidence must have as its foundation a picture of someone of worth and potential.

Research has made it clear that success is not based on IQ, skills, age, education or gender, but rather is built on a foundation of a belief in one self.

In his remarkable book, Peak Performers, Charles Garfield concluded,

The greatest single characteristic of those who achieve their goals is the simple ‘belief that you can do it’.”

My challenge to you is to develop a healthy self-portrait by changing the mental picture of yourself that you have been carrying all of these years.

Here are 7 Steps to Self-Esteem and Confidence:

1) See Yourself as You Really Are

Begin by taking a realistic inventory of the best and the worst in yourself. If you are really good at something, shout it out to yourself (and the world). If you could improve in a particular area, commit to changing it without beating yourself up.

On a spiritual level, I believe that God sees us as highly significant and greatly loved, even when we blow it.

2) Take Time and Look Back

It is important to take a look at what I call your ‘emotional roots’. I am not talking about looking back as a victim or to blame anyone, but rather gaining an understanding that somewhere between your birth and today you accepted lies about your value.

Awareness is always the beginning of change.

3) Adopt a New Motto: “To BE, rather than to SEEM”

Stop basing the picture you have of yourself on whether someone else is smiling or frowning at you. Accept your uniqueness. Stop giving power away to what others think of you. Decide today that you will live authentically rather than in terms that you allow others to define.

4) Lose Your Fear of Perfect People

They do not exist. Period. The good news is that everyone, even those that we look up to, struggle and doubt at times. The goal is not to be perfect but to be growing and moving towards greater things. Eliminate thoughts such as “If only I could be like him …” and replace it with “Who do I want to become?”

5) Take Responsibility for ONLY What is Under Your Control.

Life is challenging, so why take on an even greater burden by believing you are responsible for things that you cannot control? Focus on those things that you can take charge of and go full force towards them, one at a time.

6) Develop Positive Self-Talk

Stop your self-critical thinking. If you are a creative person, nothing will destroy your ability to create amazing things more than self-criticism. Eliminate words of shame that you tell yourself. Quit beating yourself up. Listen for the ‘shoulds’ and tell them where to go! Commit to becoming aware of the lies in your thinking. Work with a coach and say, “It’s time for me to stop getting in the way of my success.”

7) Acknowledge & Affirm your Strengths and Accomplishments

My experience is that most of us keep a ‘Failure Log’ in our heads of all of the times things don’t go well or when we screw up. Instead, keep a (literal) ‘Victory Log’ – Every time you experience a victory, no matter how seemingly small, write it down. Build your Log so that on the day you get discouraged, you can pull it out as a reminder of how far you have come. Never stop filling up the Log!

Remember that your self-image is based on old experiences and perceptions. Do not allow yourself to stay a slave to that image. You are valuable and have amazing gifts to share with the world!

Question: Which of the 7 Steps are the most challenging to you? Are there any other steps that have helped you with self-confidence that you would like to add to the list? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

The process of staying present on a daily basis is such a challenging one. Our mind, from the moment we wake up until we hit the pillow at night, is FULL of so many thoughts, emotions, plans and fears, that it is a wonder we ever accomplish anything at all! And even if we do accomplish things, there usually is a price to pay of stress, burnout, anxiety and exhaustion.

With the rush of the Holiday Season, and everything that surrounds it, we are even less prepared to slow down and enjoy the moment.

To help with the everyday tendency to emotionally and mentally be ‘on the go’ with a busy overthinking mind, I created a very simple, yet powerful, guide to help you stay focused throughout the days ahead.

I will be sharing more posts in the months ahead and ways to stay present, but to help right now, click here to receive your free PDF and begin your journey to create a Daily Mindfulness Routine.

Do you feel that your life is moving at a faster and faster rate? Do you feel out of balance and at the mercy of stress?

While stress is not an option, how you deal with and bounce back from it is.

A commitment to balance, which includes self-renewal, is crucial in order to be outrageously successful in all areas of your life. Prioritizing self-renewal allows for you to become physically and mentally refreshed while having the energy to stay focused on your vision and goals.

“If the snooze button on your alarm is getting as worn out as you are, wake up. You may be burning out.” ~Patti Bond

Preventing Burnout Through Self-Renewal:

1) Slow it Down!

Our culture gives very little help with slowing down our life. In fact, it seems as if everyday we are encouraged to do things quicker or are offered ways to speed things along. Fast food, faster internet, shorter deadlines, shopping from home in order to get things as soon as possible are not much help with slowing down our lives.

Ask Yourself: Am I feeling stressed and overwhelmed? Do I need to slow down and take some purposeful time alone or in personal refreshment and renewal?

“Without great solitude, no serious work is possible.” ~ Pablo Picasso

Keys to slowing down and discovering time alone:

– Look for small moments of quiet time to slow down (before your family awakens, short walks where you enjoy the air, smells and sunshine around you)

– Find ‘quiet places’ for silence and solitude (turn off the music, TV, and email and spend time in silence, alone with your thoughts and your self)

– Minimize your words (Speak less and ‘listen’ more when alone, meditate/listen to the inner voice of God, listen to and become aware of that part of yourself that you have been ignoring through all of the ‘noise’ and your busyness)

2) Take Time Off

– Whether a vacation, a half-day break from it all, or 15 minutes to breath and re-focus (see my post on Focused Breathing) , make sure that it is really time off (no cell phone, email, planning your next business strategy). Purposely take the time to refresh and relax!

– Decide ahead of time what you really need. It might be a quiet, relaxing time without the kids or possibly an exciting activity that rejuvenates your brain and gets you ready for your next project or activity.

3) Stop Postponing Joy

We can become so preoccupied and focused on our work related activities that we lose our perspective on the ‘big picture’. The more stressed and ‘serious’ we become, the less we are creative, spontaneous and joyful in our work and life.

Are you allowing yourself to laugh and have fun in your work and life or are you being so ‘adult’ that passion has been replaced by an ongoing lack of creativity.

Childlike renewal involves allowing yourself to slow down when necessary, letting go of the seriousness of it all while experiencing the joy of living!

“In times of joy, all of us wish we possessed a tail we could wag.” ~ W.H. Auden

Slow down and give the childlike part of yourself permission to play, to be outrageously creative in your art, performing and business. Tackle your next project with an innocent, trusting, spontaneous, creative and risk-taking way!

Is it possible to eliminate all stress from our lives? As I mentioned above, that is not an option. Yet, a commitment to how we respond to stress is under our control. Create a balanced life by slowing down, taking time off and experiencing more joy in your life.

Question: Which of the 3 Steps would make the most difference in your life right now? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

It has been said that dependency obliterates individual identity, i.e., the more dependent you are on what others think of you, the less of an individual identity you will have. The more you fear being rejected, the less creative and successful you will be in your business, in any performance situation, as a creative and in life in general.

Yet, to truly feel confident and to experience less anxiety in any area of your life, steps must be taken to move beyond emotional dependence and towards what I call emotional independence.

Let’s take a look at 5 steps to grow towards healthy emotional independence.

♦ Accept your Uniqueness

Do not be afraid to be different! I suspect that you are often afraid to stand out from others. It feels so much safer to just ‘blend in’ and to not take the risks that are necessary to move forward in life. “What if no one likes my new art piece? What if my performance as a musician is not received well? What if my friends reject me if I have different opinions or beliefs?” This fear-based self-talk can go on and on until there is no unique YOU left! Yet, to live a life of happiness and to be successful in any endeavor you approach, It is crucial to discover and celebrate how unique you are.

Do not be afraid to be different – accept your uniqueness.

♦ Lose Your Fear of Perfect People

If you find a perfect person, please take a photo and send it to me, I would love to meet them! Perfect people Do… Not… Exist. What exists are false fronts, people who look perfect, who look like they’ve got it all together. They might be really eloquent when they talk or are so at ease at a party. At church they appear so spiritual and seem to really be self-confident. Oh, you wish you could be like that. Look at how creative they are compared to you. You tell yourself that you are so far below them and that you will never be as good at this or that. This message that you give yourself gets very, very discouraging.

Part of the journey in becoming emotionally independent is working on changing this false belief that it is possible to be perfect or to be like someone else. The fact is, you do not want to be like someone else. You do not want to lose yourself to something, or someone, that you feel you should become.

It is time to stop comparing and to lose your fear of perfect people.

“There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-term risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” – John F. Kennedy

The 2 most dangerous, paralyzing words for performers and creatives (and in almost every aspect of life) are:

“Be careful.”

To live ‘safely’ is to run your life without spontaneity and creativity. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the ONLY path to success in life is giving yourself permission to ‘take chances and risks’.

“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75.” – Ben Franklin

When asked what they would do differently if they had their life to do over again, most of fifty adults 95 years and older replied that they would risk more.

How many times have you wanted to take a risk or meet a challenge in your business, in a performance situation or in your personal life, but were too afraid to? The following quote is a guiding principle in the coaching work I do with my clients.

“Change and growth takes place when a person has risked themselves and dared to experiment with their own life.” – Herbert Otto

• In what area of your business or career are you currently afraid to take some risks?
• In what performance situation are you afraid to venture out and try something new and unique?
• In what areas of your personal life are you afraid to take a chance?

Sam Walton once said,

“Swim upstream. Ignore the conventional wisdom. If everybody is doing it one way, there’s a good chance you can find your niche by going in exactly the opposite direction. But, be prepared for a lot off folks to wave you down and tell you you’re headed in the wrong direction.”