One of my most popular Posts from many years ago is a powerful reminder that what usually holds us back from the life we truly desire is the mindset that we allow ourselves to continue believing.
The
great news is that since we actually create Fear and Anxiety we can
decide to move towards those things we believe are dangerous and
discover that we are capable of overcoming our created obstacles.
“Many
people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it
is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it,
time runs out.”~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
~ Do you live with “What if” thinking?
~ Do you avoid an outrageous life because of what others might think of you?
~ Do you always seem to be getting ready to start? “Tomorrow… Someday.”
If you
answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone. Most of my
anxiety coaching clients report being afraid to go for their dreams out of fear
that they would look foolish, make a mistake or be rejected. In fact, I
used to struggle with very similar feelings and fears.
One day, during my Doctoral Internship at a hospital in Georgia, one
of the nurses asked if I would like to join a group going out that
night. It had been a tough day, and I thought that getting out for
dinner would be a nice way to unwind, so I said, “Yes”.
They picked me up and off we went to what I thought would be a simple
night out of dinner and some laughs. I realized I was wrong as we
pulled up to one of the hottest dance clubs in the city, and began to
feel anxious (actually, terrified!) about what was ahead of me.
In
my coaching calls with my clients, all of whom work with me to enhance
their performance, be more effective in business or to experience the
life that they dream about, I ask many questions.
I
have found that by asking the right questions, my clients are able to
center on the issues that either get in the way of their goals or propel
them to new insights and towards what truly matters to them.
Within these questions there is one that always is the most powerful. That question is:
“If you were not afraid, what would your life look like?”
I do not ask, “If it was easy, what would your life look like?”
I do not ask, “If it felt safe,what would you achieve?”
I do not ask, “If you felt comfortable, what dreams would come true?”
I ask:
“If you were not afraid, what would your life look like?”
We
all rationalize, make up excuses or put off going for what we want
simply because we are scared to death to take the steps necessary to
make a business presentation, to try out for an athletic team, audition
for a stage performance, ask someone on a date, or start writing our
book.
Fear stops us dead in our tracks with all of the many things we believe will happen if we go for it.
The
same fear that makes us afraid becomes the single biggest obstacle to
our success in life, no matter what it is that we desire to go for.
Ask yourself the question, “If I were not afraid, what would my life look like?”
Replace
the image in your thinking of all of the scary things that might happen
(things such as anxiety, rejection, feeling like an imposter, failure,
etc.) if you go for your dreams and goals with a clear and specific
picture of what your life would look like if you went for your goals.
This, then, becomes the new foundation for for future success.
This is possible because fear keeps us from even trying, of even taking the risk.
The
book doesn’t get started, the audition isn’t scheduled, the opportunity
to speak in front of others leads to anxiety that is felt as too
terrifying to even try and the social event opportunity is turned down
as too risky.
The
first step in creating meaningful change in your life is to ask
yourself the right question. Not, is the opportunity too risky to go for
but, rather, what would my life actually look like if I went for it, if I wasn’t letting fear get in the way.
The great news is that the answer to this most important question that leads to emotional freedom is in your thinking!
Today, ask yourself, “If I were not afraid, what would my life look like?” Take
the answer to that question and have it become the foundation to take
chances, to risk and to have the absolute best opportunity to live the
life that most only dream about.
General
patterns of living or behavior play a major role in determining whether
or not you develop stress, anxiety or burnout. Research studies
consistently show that those who live a life of specific stress-filled
patterns of behavior experience a greater risk of serious physical and
emotional consequences.
One
of the keys to reducing your susceptibility to burnout and poor health
is to examine your current behavior patterns and lifestyle.
The following lifestyle patterns will help you gain an awareness of your own personal susceptibility to stress.
1) Sense of Time Urgency
Impatience
Is it hard for you to wait in line?
Do you find yourself hurrying the speech of others?
Do slow drivers in the fast lane make you boil?
Do you move, walk and eat rapidly?
Scheduling More and More in Less and Less Time
Do you unrealistically try to schedule too many tasks without regard to the time available to you?
Are you experiencing overload due to poor time management?
Feeling Guilty While Relaxing
Do you feel like you always have to be doing something and can’t ‘do nothing’ for a few hours?
Is your self-talk full of the ‘shoulds’?
Is it difficult to do something that isn’t work related and is just for fun?
Today I would like to share some great news with you.
You are guilty.
(Not quite what you were expecting to hear, was it?)
Yes, believe it or not, accepting that we are guilty is powerful and can be the beginning of growth and change.
Determining if we are truly guilty of something can be the initial
step towards resolving our offense and moving forward. Whether we have
hurt someone we love, procrastinated working on our next important
project or made excuses to ourselves about what we are capable of, we
are guilty.
But … being guilty of something does not mean that we need to feel
shame. Whereas guilt says that I have broken a law, or have done
something that hurts either myself or another, shame goes deeper – much,
much deeper.
In fact, the difference can be summed up in the following:
Guilt says, “I made a mistake.”
Shame says, “I AM a mistake.”
Wow, the implications between “I made” and “I am” are HUGE!
Destructive feelings of shame focus on past failures, feelings of wrongdoing, deserving punishment or that I am no good.
Constructive guilt focuses on the person I have hurt, the mistake I have made and the possibility of FUTURE CHANGE.
Yes, shame holds us hostage to a focus on the past, on ME instead of
the future and what I can do differently next time. It keeps us from
learning when we mess up or from being a part of healing an injured
relationship.
“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~ C.G. Jung
Shame focuses on how bad I am while true constructive guilt focuses on the other person and what next step I must take.
In a strange way, shame is actually selfish. It’s about me and rarely
leads to any meaningful change. It is kind of like confessing a sin,
feeling better afterwards and then continuing to repeat the behavior.
Shame does not lead to change, only a beating up of one’s self.
Only a true acknowledgment of guilt leads to the possibility of becoming a new person.
So, the question becomes what do I do to keep from beating myself up with shame when I blow it?
Here are 3 things needed to identify and overcome destructive feelings of shame:
1) Determine If You Are Wrong
This sounds so basic, yet it is so easy to assume that we did something wrong. If we have low self esteem,
we might assume that if a relationship is going poorly, then it must be
my fault. Or, if I fail to follow through on a project I am working on,
then it must mean that I am lazy – I am “guilty” of being a failure.
Ask yourself, am I really wrong. Did I
actually blow it or am I assigning all the blame to myself when there
might be many other variables involved in things not going well. It’s
possible that the guilt that you feel is based on numerous ‘shoulds’ that you grew up with.
“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.” ~ Woody Allen
Maybe you’re not a lazy person, but rather afraid of rejection if you
complete your project and put it out for the world to see. There is
absolutely NO room here to feel shameful. Ironically, feelings of shame
will lead to a greater possibility of not finishing … leading to more
shameful feelings until you give up completely.
2) Discover Where You Are Wrong
Yes, there are times that we blow it (for myself, there are many
times!). The key principle is that once we become aware that we are
actually guilty, then we can use this awareness to discover exactly
where we went wrong.
For example, maybe you were hurt by something said to you, leading to
defensiveness and then saying something hurtful back. Take time to
discover your part, knowing this kind of honesty can set you free to
change.
3) Decide What You Need to DO About It
In the example above, you might feel a ‘right’ to be defensive, yet
need to take responsibility that you hurt the other person and apologize
to them. You are guilty and can help repair the injury by taking
action. Again, there is no room for shame, but rather to take charge and
do something about it.
Maybe you are feeling terrible about yourself for putting off
something you made a commitment to finish. Acknowledge you have blown it
and then decide to take charge and get back on track without any
further negative self-talk.
Make a commitmenttoday to acknowledge
when you are guilty, take steps to learn and heal and stop shaming
yourself when you blow it. And remember that you are never, ever a mistake!
Most of us carry pictures of those who matter to us in our wallet, purse or on our cellphone. I carry pictures of my wife and kids on my phone and iPad to look at and remind myself of how important they are to me.
As meaningful as these pictures are to us, we all carry another
picture, one far more powerful than those in our wallet, etc. It is the
mental picture that we carry that represents the opinion that we have of our self.
This picture is our self-image, a perception that has, from early on
in life, influenced us in terms of our self-confidence, and in what we
accomplish in our life, relationships and business.
Author Josh McDowell once said,
Your self-image is like a set of lenses through which you see
reality. The healthier your self image, the more accurately your lenses
let you see reality, and the more appropriate then is your behavior in
response to that.”
If, for example, you picture yourself as a failure, then you will
find some way to fail in your art, business and life, no matter how much
you want to succeed. By looking through a lens of self-deficiency, you
will act accordingly.
Dr. Joyce Brothers says,
You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself.”
What, then, is the picture of yourself that you carry with you all day?
I would go so far as to say that all of our behavior is guided by the
picture that we have of ourself. Self-confidence must have as its
foundation a picture of someone of worth and potential.
Research has made it clear that success is not based on IQ, skills,
age, education or gender, but rather is built on a foundation of a
belief in one self.
In his remarkable book, Peak Performers, Charles Garfield concluded,
The greatest single characteristic of those who achieve their goals is the simple ‘belief that you can do it’.”
My challenge to you is to develop a healthy self-portrait by changing
the mental picture of yourself that you have been carrying all of these
years.
Here are 7 Steps to Self-Esteem and Confidence:
1) See Yourself as You Really Are
Begin by taking a realistic inventory of the best and the worst in yourself. If you are really good at something, shout it out to yourself (and the world). If you could improve in a particular area, commit to changing it without beating yourself up.
On a spiritual level, I believe that God sees us as highly significant and greatly loved, even when we blow it.
2) Take Time and Look Back
It is important to take a look at what I call your ‘emotional roots’. I am not talking about looking back as a victim or to blame anyone, but rather gaining an understanding that somewhere between your birth and today you accepted lies about your value.
Awareness is always the beginning of change.
3) Adopt a New Motto: “To BE, rather than to SEEM”
Stop basing the picture you have of yourself on whether someone else is smiling or frowning at you. Accept your uniqueness. Stop giving power away to what others think of you. Decide today that you will live authentically rather than in terms that you allow others to define.
4) Lose Your Fear of Perfect People
They do not exist. Period. The good news is that everyone, even those that we look up to, struggle and doubt at times. The goal is not to be perfect but to be growing and moving towards greater things. Eliminate thoughts such as “If only I could be like him …” and replace it with “Who do I want to become?”
5) Take Responsibility for ONLY What is Under Your Control.
Life is challenging, so why take on an even greater burden by believing you are responsible for things that you cannot control? Focus on those things that you can take charge of and go full force towards them, one at a time.
6) Develop Positive Self-Talk
Stop your self-critical thinking. If you are a creative person, nothing will destroy your ability to create amazing things more than self-criticism. Eliminate words of shame that you tell yourself. Quit beating yourself up. Listen for the ‘shoulds’ and tell them where to go! Commit to becoming aware of the lies in your thinking. Work with a coach and say, “It’s time for me to stop getting in the way of my success.”
7) Acknowledge & Affirm your Strengths and Accomplishments
My experience is that most of us keep a ‘Failure Log’ in our heads of all of the times things don’t go well or when we screw up. Instead, keep a (literal) ‘Victory Log’ – Every time you experience a victory, no matter how seemingly small, write it down. Build your Log so that on the day you get discouraged, you can pull it out as a reminder of how far you have come. Never stop filling up the Log!
Remember that your self-image is based on old experiences and
perceptions. Do not allow yourself to stay a slave to that image. You
are valuable and have amazing gifts to share with the world!
Question: Which of the 7 Steps are the most challenging to
you? Are there any other steps that have helped you with self-confidence
that you would like to add to the list? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
The process of staying present on a daily basis is such a challenging one. Our mind, from the moment we wake up until we hit the pillow at night, is FULL of so many thoughts, emotions, plans and fears, that it is a wonder we ever accomplish anything at all! And even if we do accomplish things, there usually is a price to pay of stress, burnout, anxiety and exhaustion.
With the rush of the Holiday Season, and everything that surrounds it, we are even less prepared to slow down and enjoy the moment.
To
help with the everyday tendency to emotionally and mentally be ‘on the
go’ with a busy overthinking mind, I created a very simple, yet
powerful, guide to help you stay focused throughout the days ahead.
I will be sharing more posts in the months ahead and ways to stay present, but to help right now, click here to receive your free PDF and begin your journey to create a Daily Mindfulness Routine.
The
Christmas Season is a time for joy! Yet, this can be a most difficult
time of the year for many. Stress, pressure, loneliness, expectations,
depression, hurts and financial burdens rob many of the joy of the
season.
With
Christmas seeming to come earlier each year (ornaments on sale in
July!) and the mad rush of traffic and the scramble to buy the ‘perfect’
gifts, the “Happy Holidays” often turn out to be anything other than
joyful or happy!
It
has been said that “we are in danger of losing Christmas.” This is even
true for those who are faith-based who, in the rush of things, lose
that “glad feeling of happiness and delight” that should be at the
center of the holidays.
The
challenge is that in order to handle the unique pressure and stresses
that accompany this time of year, we need to maintain a ‘balanced life.”
Problems that occur in our desire to experience joy are when our “whole being” is out of balance.
Let’s take a quick look at some very practical steps that we can take towards putting the joy back into Christmas:
1) Prepare Your Physical Self for the Holidays
~ Eat wisely – importance of healthful, nourishing foods (although a very hard time to diet!)
~ Rest appropriately – set boundaries on shopping, visiting and decorating – give your body time to refresh itself!
~ Exercise – “not something you spend time doing, but rather something you invest time in”
~ Strive for ‘Stress-Free’ living
– Give yourself permission to slow down and enjoy yourself; practice
positive self-talk; avoid comparing yourself to others; see yourself as a
valuable child of God; give yourself permission to take risks
2. Evaluate Your Soul (Your emotional/relational self)
~ Evaluate your expectations and give them up to God
– “idealized holidays” can set us up for unfulfilled expectations
(false TV and social media images); continually check out your
expectations and let them go
~ Set priorities for the holidays – Ask yourself, “What is REALLY important?”; Learn to say “No”; Build your own holiday traditions (make then uniquely YOURS!)
~ Keep things in financial perspective
– Develop a reasonable spending plan and stick to it; Communicate
limitations to your children (align their expectations with reality);
avoid the ease of buying on credit (which discourages creativity and
planning and can lead to financial bondage)
~ Decide to resolve hurtful feelings
– examine and resolve any lack of forgiveness towards others; forgive
yourself (let go of unresolved guilt & shame); recognize and work on
pain from the past (hurts and losses)
~ Experience the childlike joy of Christmas
– be yourself; be spontaneous; rid yourself of perfectionism; develop
the eyes, ears and mouth of a child – look at Christmas differently …
listen with new ears … be silly … have fun!
3. Focus on the Miracle of Christmas
~ Don’t neglect your spiritual needs;
plan to make the holidays a time of spiritual and emotional growth;
real joy, especially as a faith-based person, comes from the realization
of what Christmas is really all about and from knowing the one whose
birth we celebrate, as Paul in scripture wrote so many years ago,
“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!”
During this Holiday season I encourage you to:
~ Prepare yourself physically
~Evaluate the expectations you have for the Season
~Set realistic priorities
~ Evaluate your emotional and relational life
~ Set your inner child free to fully enjoy the season!
