As I shared in my last post, the key challenge if you struggle with anxiety, whether on the stage, in business or in life in general, is that your goal is most often to be liked by others rather than having the goal of liking yourself.

Real change, then, always begins with an awareness that the foundation of your anxiety and lack of risk-taking in life is low self-esteem.

I would like to share 3 powerful principles and steps that you can use to take the awareness that we talked about last week and apply it to learning to accept and love yourself.

1) Give Yourself Appropriate Praise

Praise yourself every time you accomplish something, no matter how small. If you are struggling with the fear of speaking in front of a group, no matter the size, and you say to yourself, “Well, all that I did this week was volunteer to lead the presentation at work, but then I felt panicky all week and almost pulled out of the meeting” instead tell yourself, “Great job! I made the attempt and am starting to go outside my comfort zone!”

Usually, any positive step gets discounted in our mind, it gets wiped out and none of it seems to matter or count. It is time to give yourself permission to feel good about any step, no matter how small, that you take to overcoming your fear.

We typically do not talk to our self in that kind of positive, forward looking way. So, no matter how small your victory is, it is crucial to get into the habit, and it is a habit, of praising yourself.

2) If you make a mistake or blow it, ask yourself, “What should I do next?”

When you do fall short of a goal that you have, or you make a mistake, which is inevitable, do not shame yourself but, rather, ask yourself, “What should I do next?”

When I was very young, I used to spill my glass of milk a lot. I don’t know why, but I would be at the kitchen table and accidentally knock the milk over. Now, I had a very caring and loving father, but he would give me this stern look as if I was this terrible person for spilling the milk and I would get very nervous.

As a result of feeling so anxious, did I stop spilling milk? No, I became the champion milk spiller!! It became part of how I saw myself, my identity. I saw myself as clumsy and anxious that I would not please him. It was as if whenever we went out to a restaurant I was subconsciously saying, “Oh excuse me dad, there’s a table over there with a glass of milk on it, I’ve got to go knock it over – that’s my job, that’s who I am.”

Instead of growing up and hearing from him, “That’s okay, let’s just clean it up and move on,” in my head I would beat myself up.

The key principle here is that when you blow it, when you make a mistake, instead of putting yourself down, give yourself a positive, helpful suggestion on what you can do differently next time. What can you do to create a different outcome next time? Be aware of the mental picture, or identity, that you have of yourself and commit to changing it in order to feel less shameful and be more kind to yourself.

Sometimes you need someone else to help you with making this kind of change. It can be a therapist, a coach, or a friend, someone that can say to you, “It’s okay, let’s just understand this.”

We so often put ourselves down automatically without even realizing it. It is not as though you sit around and say, “Hey, I think I’ll have a poor self-image today. I think I’ll be unhealthily dependent on people today. Let’s see who I can let control me.”

Become more aware of how you are talking to yourself and say, “Wait a minute, stop. Don’t. That’s not right to say to myself.” Refrain from calling yourself names or putting yourself down. It’s been said that life is hard enough and no one deserves to be humiliated, even by yourself! Become aware of what you tell yourself.

3) Believe That You Deserve Good Things

Consider the idea that you are worth it. For most of you, that is not an automatic statement, that you truly deserve good things, are really worthwhile, are a lovable person. So many who struggle with anxiety are unable to say that they feel that they matter. You might say that on a surface level, or in terms of certain gifts or talents that you have, yet deep down do not believe it or that you might be ‘found out’ to be an ‘imposter’ without much value.

The worse you feel about yourself and the more insecure you are, the more the world looks dangerous and leads you to seeing life and the world as a negative unknown. It has been said that all of our behavior is guided by our self-esteem and that the less we are able to love ourselves adequately, the more we are handicapped in loving another.

A professor of mine in grad school, Psychologist Maurice Wagner, once said, “An adequate self-concept is a precious possession, it is the premise upon which a person can devote himself to living a useful and productive life. Some people are so completely preoccupied with feelings of being a nobody in a world of somebodies, that they scarcely apply themselves to any certain task and become successful.”

Do you feel like a nobody in a world of somebodies?

Do you ‘hide’ while not letting people know who you are? Do you build self-imposed prison walls that can make you look to others like everything from a scared person to a very competent and in control person? You may look fine to the world, yet people would be shocked to hear that you struggle with these things, because you’re really good at that keeping up that wall, really good at wearing a mask to hide your real self.

Persons who struggle with a sense of shame have a very, very difficult time changing because it undermines your growth and development. It emotionally knocks your feet out from under you!. If you identify with any of what I’ve shared, I encourage you to seek out help in order to begin the process of accepting how truly valuable and special that you are. You CAN learn to love yourself!

In the meantime, become more aware of how negatively you talk to yourself and say,

“It is time for me to quit feeling like an imposter and time to act like I truly matter and have worth!”

If you would like guidance to help you on your journey to higher self-esteem and a fearless life, please click here to schedule a free coaching call with me. This is a no-charge opportunity for you to learn more about how it IS possible to manage and overcome ANY anxiety that holds you back through one-on-one Coaching.

Also, be sure to get on the wait list for the Fearless Performer Academy to learn how this powerful and very inexpensive monthly program can help build your self-esteem and overcome your anxiety.